Roadside Massage -- Part 2

After posting part 1, the best comment came from my mother (no surprise there) -- "Stephanie, PLEASE tell me all your little 'adventures' won't be so dangerous." Mother. Chill.

So, the tiny Asian lady leads me into her secret chamber and THIS is what I see ...


Pitch black. I immediately ram my foot into some sort of wooden thing. As my eyes start to adjust, I can see an airline-style pillow and a makeshift bed. My tiny Asian tour guide points at one end of the bed and says a few words. All I can actually hear is ... "take. clothes. off." Oh, okay. I'm having flashbacks to 3 AM post-college keg parties where all you feel is dizzy, confused, and sure a stranger is about to grope you.

At this point, I'm like , sheit...I've already gone this far, and this blog wouldn't be very interesting if I chickened out. So I strip down -- undies and all. I throw my stuff in the corner and jump under the scratchy blanket. When I lay down, I hear a crinkling noise and realize, instead of warm white sheets covering the bed, it's paper. Yeah, like doctor's office paper!

While I'm wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into, I hear, "You. Facing. Wrong. Way." Oh crap. Ok. So, I flip around, practically covering myself in papercuts ... and wait for whatever illegal activity is coming my way.

Up until this point I thought I was alone ... until, out of nowhere, I hear (SERIOUSLY!) orgasmic moans coming from someone very very close to me. OMG! Turns out ... I am not so much alone. Instead of private massage room, I am in one big ass room shared by many, many vocal people. I then hear some dude somewhere extremely close asking if he can keep his boxers on. I look up and can see it's actually a giant white sheet hanging from the ceiling that separates each client. Yikes!

Oh god oh god oh god. I am telling myself ... not a problem, please please please stop groaning LADY NEXT TO ME. I kept having flashbacks to that Sex in the City episode where Samantha was explaining the Happy Ending. Oh god, I just knew that's what was happening just beyond that thin sheet ... and I'm sooo going to be offered it! Ah.

Ok. So, the tiny lady returns and asks, "how. you like. it? hard. medium. or soft." Considering all I'd been through to get to this point, I was not going to sit here for an hour being lightly rubbed by weak fingers. Hard, please.

Then, like a ninja, she jumps on top of me! Woa! Really -- I can't tell if those are hands or feet. They might be both! It's very very bizarre. There is walking, there is pounding, there is pushing and there is stomping. Lets just say, instead of relaxation ... it was more like... protect and survive. At one time she literally grabbed my arms and rolled on top of me. I felt like I was in a Jackie Chan movie.

Eventually the circus freak show is over and she's not standing on me anymore -- time for part 2. Now she's using her hands, and actually massaging my shoulders. The moaning has subsided by now and it looks like, (phew!) I'm in the clear.

The whole thing was weird, bizarre and probably highly germ-filled ... but I gotta say, once I got past part 1 ... it was actually kind of ... enjoyable. It felt like a yoga session on speed. My muscles were pushed into places they've never been. After the porno sounds subsided, I was able to imagine I was somewhere far, far away (like a REAL oasis) instead of a little slice of shady right off the 101 highway.

I left ... happy to have survived ...

... and excited to take a shower.

All in all, would I do this shit again? Hell no. Spend the extra $20 bucks and go somewhere with lighting, 409 cleaner and linens.