Medieval Times

Hanging out with creepy, role-playing fantasy nerds posing as kings of the court and swine-flu infested tourists is not exactly how I like to spend my Saturday nights. I don't do 17-hour "Lord of the Rings" movies, understand "Spamalot" boy-humor, or frequent dirty Renaissance Fairs. And I definitely do not use language such as "morrow," "yonder," and "merry!" in daily convos. For all these reasons and oh-so-many-more, I knew this would be some serious shit I'd never do.

Merriment. Majesty. Manure. It's Medieval Times. "Raise Your Voices!!!!"

Before storming the castle, my 'court' (ie Marissa, Steve and Rose) had mixed expectations of what would come from this little adventure. Steve expected the best night of his life, Marissa expected men in tights and Rose expected unicorns. I expected a freak show straight out of "The Cable Guy" -- 0h, and a lot of alcohol (I called ahead to make sure they were stocked -- do you blame me?).

So, we roll up -- first passing a rival tourist trap called The Pirates Adventure. Ooh, family dinner show row! But just a few feet down the road, we see them -- a ba-zillion "royal guests" dressed in jean shorts, black sneakers (with white socks) and Disney Land t-shirts -- all invading a huge, honest-to-god castle. A castle which seems a little less majestic when you realize it's opposite a restaurant called PoFolks.

So I enter and am crowned team Black & White Knight (which I felt was the classiest of all teams -- no way was I gonna cheer for the Burger King Red and Yellow Knight). Before we can go any further, I'm pulled into a room by a demanding girl with a bad perm named Princess Leonore, and a "serf" who takes our picture. Who here thinks that picture's free? Me either. Then, I walk into this room ...


The Hall of Arms -- aka the petri dish. The purpose of this room is to cram people together, force them to buy overly priced neon swords, and wait in a very long bathroom line. People use this opportunity to get drunk as fast as possible. Which would explain the mega-sized souvenir alcoholic beverage containers (with a crown of whipped cream) ...

... and also explains why it takes ages to get a drink. I did my best to send sweet smiles to Mitch the bartender, but he was distracted by the drunk strangers yelling at each other -- "Green Knight!!!!" "Red Knight is gonna kick Blue Knight's ass." Ugh!

Finally, with a tiny watered-down drink for each of us (no whipped cream) ...

This failed actor told me to "Enter Fair Maiden!" I pass through the mists of time and enter the festive spirit of ...

... the overwhelming smell of horse dung. Yum! Time to eat! First, I meet our Wench ...

She explains no utensils (haven't been invented yet) , one napkin per person (with the menu printed on it), and you gotta wait another 30 minutes till the cocktail waitress shows up (so, go to the bar again now). Thank god for her honesty.

Then ... like a defender of the ancient shrine of At Santiago de Compostela ... in tights sparkly, in looks plain, and in hair grease-nasty ... our hero arrives ...

... and locks eyes with only one fair maiden in the crowd ... yours truly. He's swept up in the passion of the moment, pulls out a single precious rose ... er, carnation ... and presents it to me. Chivalry truly is not dead. I am his lady. (All of which happens while Steve is in the bathroom.)

Wait a minute. Are the vodka tonics kicking in, or is this truly the most magical place in the world?

We slurp.

We gulp.
We feast!
We are entertained by fancy horses ...


...throwing up all over the field.

After our four-course feast (tomato soup, roasted chicken, spare rib, half of a baked potato, and a 'pastry of the castle') which was not only edible, but kinda sorta good, the tournament begins! Oh wait, hold on, the king's gotta get through a very long list of birthday, anniversary and divorce (yes, divorce) announcements first.

And now it's time for the tournament to begin!!!! Who will be named the brave champion to hail over King Phillip's Realm??? "Raise your voices!!!!" "And lower the safety nets!"


The energy in the arena was electric!

Black & White! Black & White! Black & White! Black & White!

My noble warrior priest has chosen to go first! This is so exciting! Black & White! Black & White! Black & White! Then ...

... That crappy ass knight DIED!

WTF????????!!!!!!

Farewell sweet knight. You sucked a big one.

Just when all hope is lost, a white light appears ...

...and the cocktail waitress returns.

So, despite risking swine flu, smelling horse poo and having one hell of a shitty knight -- The Medieval Times experience was well worth my $37 discounted ticket via Goldstar. I didn't go in as a fan of medieval pageantry, but get a few spirits in me, put a rose in one hand, a giant turkey leg in the other, and hell yeah I'll watch grown men play dress-up on vomiting horses.

Meet The King, The Princess, and The Converted. Part of me hopes I get divorced so I can come back!