New Moon Midnight Show

First I would like to begin by saying I have a hardcore reputation for falling asleep in movies. Give me a glass of wine, followed by a dark room and a comfy chair -- and I'm out. Cold. And I'm not just talkin' 15 minute power naps -- I'm talkin' really really good, quality naps.

So, the idea of me going to a midnight show -- forget the movie -- is ridiculous to begin with. And when the opportunity came along to buy midnight tickets to the biggest teen film of the year (back in September) -- I knew this would definitely be some serious shit I'd never do.

I am definitely a 100% fake "Twilight" fan. I attempted to read the first book but stopped 65 pages into it. However, I did see the first movie -- and after seeing it, completely "got" why teenage girls were freaking out. It's like "90210" on a hallucinogenic and did make for an enjoyable Blockbuster rental night. I mean, Pattinson is totally like a Dylan McKay, only with fangs and a permanent model runway face.

So, in order to pull off my fake fandom, on my lunch break Thursday afternoon I headed to the one place I knew would have the goods -- Hot Topic (a place I haven't frequented since Friday nights in the 8th grade). I walk in and immediately see the shrine of Twilight merch. Ian, the overly enthusiastic teen working there (I just couldn't say no to his pitch to sign up for the Hot Topic frequent customer card) asks "You going to the midnight show? (in an attempt to rate my Twihard-ness). I proudly reply, "Hell yeah! You need to hook me up!" Ian proceeds to try to sell me an incredibly discreet Team Edward hoodie but I knew if I was going to do this -- I gotta do it right -- gimme Edward & Bella across my chest, Kid!

Ready for the show -- I drag the BF (no, Steve, this is not the "Shit I Make By Boyfriend Do" blog), along with friends Rachel and David and we head over to the AMC 16 in Burbank.

I arrive at the theater and there are, I kid you not, 8 different lines for 8 different showings wrapped around the block. Everyone is decked out in Twihard garb -- complete with blankets, sweatshirts, hats, and, let's not forget, the handmade, puffy-painted "Team Jacob" headbands.

The 15-year-old girls at the front of the line tell me they skipped school, not telling their parents (of course), to set up camp at 9 AM. Seeing as I'm of legal drinking age and have a full time job, I head to Buffalo Wild Wings (next to the theater) for dinner and drinks knowing full well my seats will suck. At about 10:45 PM, I walk back to the alleyway where the line is formed, and find my spot in line ...

... at the very end.

The attendance is made up mostly of girls, except for a few pissed-off boyfriends/husbands, creepy 60-year-old grandmas (with flashing light vampire jewelry), and freaky Goth teen misfits who wear trench coats and have huge earlobe-stretching gauges. It was quite a cast of characters.

Team Edward friends.
This is Carlos. He had a sweet shirt.

The pissed off BFs.

The helpful AMC employee who said "The doors are opening! Have your tickets ready!"

And the trash the Twihards left behind. I guess vampires don't care about the environment.

As they open the doors, the Twilight Hysteria Brigade parade into the theater with full force! "Team Edward!" "Team Jacob!" "Shut up, Bella is Hot!" Everyone runs for their seats (mine is surprisingly in row three, not row one, as expected), and the chants continue. "Team Edward!" "Team Jacob!" "Why can't the movie just start?!"

Third row, bitches! Everyone jets off to the bathroom (tweens due to being outside for the past 6 hours, Stephanie due to an IV of Diet Coke in every attempt to just make it to the 12:01 AM start time). In the bathroom, I have to mention, I received some serious Twilight street cred. "OMG I love your sweatshirt! Where did you get it?" "Ooooo that's the new one!" "You look so cute!" Yeah. My hoodie totally dominated.

Back in the theater, a beach ball somehow shows up, and suddenly I am transported to a deranged high school pep rally. The random shrieks continue for the next 20 minutes as I wait for my impending death -- not from this movie experience -- but from Steve ...

wanting to kill me for taking him to see it.

Finally, the previews start, and every tween in the theater feels the need to yell their response to each upcoming movie (all vampire/romance-themed -- except for the Meryl Streep/Alec Baldwin one, which was clearly to amuse the moms (who were not there). Then, it began ... [SCREAMS!] 120 minutes of never-ending screaming.

Experiencing this insanity is kind of like attending a rock concert -- except instead of girls cheering for guys holding guitars, they're screaming for shirtless, prepubescent boys. Every time one even enters the frame, the crowd explodes. "You're HOT!" "I want your body!" "Kiss Her!" And, of course, throughout the movie, I hear the occasional "Shhhhh!," "Shut up!," "You're ruining the movie!" Steve makes the mistake of laughing at the wrong time, and we're scolded with a "Fake fan alert!" shoutout. I am SO embarassed. I am now having visions of tweens attacking us with their Pattinson action figures and kicking us out of the theater. I don't want to be outed!

So, with all the continuous shrieking -- was the movie actually any good? While Jacob's abs were unreal and Pattinson did sparkle in the forest, I'm sad to say, the movie totally sucked. Unlike the first movie, there's really not much of a story arc, I didn't believe for a minute that Bella was even crushing on Jacob, and, what I found most confusing, there is no explanation whatsoever as to why wolf boys don't like clothes.

And of course, Steve absolutely hated it way more than me.

I get home around 3:30 AM and run to my bed clocking in 2 hours of sleep for a feel-good Friday at work. All day long, my ears are buzzing from the screaming.

As I type here now, I can still hear them. Make it stop. Please make it stop.